Questions we ask ourselves...

i am missing him again...

2012-01-29T04:16:00.001-08:00

i miss him.... i miss my happy person... sigh... i thought i was able to let go... maybe i am reading too much into my environment... finding signs to remind myself of him...
does he think of me? does he miss me? should i believe what the psychics have said?
emotions... it's complicated and cannot be explained or justified... sigh....

i think i dreamt of him... but i am not sure :(

2012-01-17T15:24:00.000-08:00

i think i dreamt of my happy person 2 nights ago but at the same time, i am not sure if i was imagining things or if i really did dream of him... do you get wat i am trying to say?... kinda confusing huh?... me too :P
usually i am very clear about my dreams when it comes to my happy person... coz it's something i look forward to if and when it happens... i would always try to remember every detail of the dream when i wake up and make it a point to keep it in my memory for as long as i can...
hence it's unlike me to not be sure if i dreamt of him two nights ago... but maybe it's because i am subconsciously letting go... that's why it doesnt bothers me or matters to me as much now whether i remember the dream or not... what an interesting turn of events...

he saved my life

2012-01-12T04:20:00.000-08:00

my patient who is also an experienced psychologist said those words to me when i shared with her stories of my happy person... 'he saved your life'... no other words can describe more accurately the impact of my happy person's actions than what she just did for me in one sentence...

he will come back, but...

2012-01-05T16:31:00.000-08:00

i had a psychic reading recently... the reason that prompted me to see her still isn't very clear... maybe i wanted reassurance from my spiritual guide and the only way to communicate with her is through a medium... did i get the answers i needed? i guess so... i do feel more at peace now...
she started by saying i have had trauma in my life and that i am still recovering... that was true... i am better now but to say i am fully recovered, i am not sure when and if i will be able to talk about my loss without a choking feeling in my throat or tears rolling down my eyes... i guess only time will tell...
she then proceeded to say my base chakra is waking up and is all over the place at the moment... which means my love life is activated but still finding its way... she commented that my happy person is not happy in his current relationship and that he will return for me... but... yes why must there be a 'but'... unfortunately there is a 'but' here... but i will be with someone else... for some unknown reason, the statement she made didn't come as a shock.. for some strange reasons, i have been getting images of this potential scenario recurring in my mind... and that i will have to made a decision then...
oh why must it be so complicated? in some peculiar way, my attachment to him is beginning to lax... maybe coz we havent seen each other for a while now... i wonder if he would be able to reignite the flame in us when he does reappears... i have to believe in fate and have faith that the one above will make the best decision for me... that is the hardest part :(

when the dessert stomach calls...

2011-12-19T04:42:00.000-08:00

today, Siang and I went to 6 different restaurants within one and a half hour before finding a restaurant which is open and willing to accommodate our dessert stomach's request... oh my.. the length we go to just for food amazes me sometimes... hahaha...
we had dinner at Newmarket Hotel, dessert menu was not appetizing, first attempt- fail... so we drove 5 minutes down the road to Golden Fields, paid 4 bucks for parking and walked to the restaurant but to our disappointment, saw the sign on the door 'closed for private event', second attempt- fail... hop back into the car, drove down the road to Il Fornaio and we a saw a pink limousine Hummer parked outside with lots of people crowding around the restaurant, third attempt- fail again... so we decided to try Stokehouse along the esplanade but we accidentally drove pass it and it was too difficult to turn back, fourth attempt- fail also... on the way back to Siang's place to collect my birthday pressie, we stopped by a chocolate cafe Ganache, the door shut on us as we approached, oh what luck! fifth attempt- fail... thought our luck can't be that bad, so we drove to Union Dining, which was located close to Siang's place, it's pitch black ie closed, sixth attempt- fail too... then i thought of The Palace and realise it would be our seventh attempt.. so i said to Siang ' seven is my favourite number, maybe we are seventh time lucky' and indeed we were... number seven, my favourite number and Lance's footy number... Siang quotes 'maybe Lance is your lucky man then..' I hope that is true coz i miss him a lot :(

find someone who will distract you in a nice way

2011-12-18T14:26:00.000-08:00

'find someone who will distract you in a nice way' that was what my mentor said to me yesterday... what a beautiful way of describing...
oh i miss my happy person... more so now when my brother is away for a month...
he was my distraction and still is... in a nice way ;)
i miss his voice, his laugh, his smile, his cheeky grin, his cynical comments... i just miss having him in my life... he makes my heart race, he makes me laugh, he makes my day brighter... sob sob sob

it wasn't the best ride but there were some good things in it...

2011-12-07T04:02:00.000-08:00

today i found out my ex-bf Siang is officially in a relationship... it didn't come as a surprise as i have been aware of the her existence for a few weeks now... but to hear him say it, that she is now his girlfriend... how would you react? i can't say i was particularly happy or sad... i guess you would call it mixed feelings... i've always been worried about him... subconsciously wondering if he will find someone nice to look after him... so that he will not be lonely again... to love him and to care for him... ultimately, he has a very kind and good heart... it's just that he was not well guided by his parents as a child, hence the skewed moral compass he has developed... one must give him credit for courageously making the right decision when it came to crunch time... as a good friend quoted ' it wasn't the best ride but there were good things about it'... that sentence sums it all up, i couldn't have phrase it any better than that...
him finding someone means i don't have to worry about him... means i can now move on with one less baggage.. maybe this is part of the plan...the one above setting my affairs straight before i move forward happily without unnecessary baggage... the oracles have always mentioned the word 'timing' in all its predictions... maybe i just have to be patient for a bit longer to allow the one above to reveal his plans...
in saying all these, i should be happy for him.. but why am i also feeling sad.. maybe deep down in me, i wish i was the one who would move on first, the one to find someone first... but this isn't a race and i should know that by now... i should be thankful to have woken up from this bad dream... it's better to wait for the right person than to move on just for the sake of moving on...this is not a competition... it's about not settling until we find the right person... i am human after all, so i guess it's normal to feel the way i am now... no matter how much i try to be generous and forgiving and magnanimous...
sometimes in trying to move forward, we cope by forgetting the bad and only retaining the good memories.. or at least that is how i function... to continue moving forward with a smile... that we sometimes forget the real reason we left which was for the better... another quote by the same friend who has spend the most times with Siang and I when we were an item 'the other part of me is more relieved that he set you free ... it's the harder route no less, but the better one for you... you're honestly better off without him as selfish as it sounds, and painful as the process was and is...' those words were both reassuring and comforting at this time when i am in doubt...
i miss my happy person...

where are u, my happy person?

2011-11-14T22:31:00.000-08:00

i miss my happy person, especially now... sob sob sob...
today, the builders came to replace the damaged skirting due to water ingress from the balcony a year ago... yes a year ago... a very small problem which seems to take the builders forever to fix.. seriously, a year.... one could finish building a house in a year... anyway we moved my bed to gain access to the skirting panel behind my bed... to my disappointment, we found more water damage to the skirting and the carpet... the carpet was damp and discoloured... smelling strongly of mould.. there was black mould growing on the skirting... oh... when is this ever gonna end???
this is when i miss my happy person, Lance... for i know he would fix this problem in a jiffy... he would know how to counsel me coz this is his area of specialty... and tell me what to do so that i feel better... it's not as though i don't have enough on my plate to deal with at the moment...
to my happy person, i miss you... please come back into my life so that you can share my problems and listen to my whining tunes... please!!!

i've changed

2011-11-01T23:58:00.000-07:00

i had a disagreement with an old friend recently... it started with an innocent intent to ring a friend to vent my frustrations and confusion as to why my brother was acting out of character recently... that evolved into a conversation involving my ex-bf... she made a comment which i felt like i was being judged.. she disagrees with my opinion but that was how i felt... i was further annoyed because she was someone whom i know her past and not exactly someone i respected in terms of her way of handling relationship issues ie being third party breaking up an existing couple's relationship etc... i am a firm believer in a chinese saying ' you only have the right to teach someone to walk upright if you practice the same principles yourself'... we havent spoken since that day... i guess we are both stubborn and both refusing to give in... well i did give in but she did not play ball... it was in these time, i realise how much i have changed... how aussie i have become... and that is why our opinions differ so much... we went to university together and never had an argument... she went back to malaysia and lived there for 5 years before returning 2 months ago... obviously she is very malaysian in her personality and mannerism... to the extent it reminds me of my mom... whereas i have lived in melbourne for almost 15 years and adapted and adjusted not just to the lifestyle but acquired many of the characteristic of aussie people...

i'm letting go of you...

2011-11-01T23:46:00.000-07:00

i believe if we listened to our inner voice hard enough, it always seem to know the answer to all our questions... my inner voice tells me it's time to let go... let go of my happy person... to accept he was in my life for a reason that is to show me the light when i couldn't find my way... to remind me of who i use to be and who i can be through his laughter which was contagious... however, it is now time to let go... and i have come to accept this concept now... it took me a while to get here.... but i am here now :)
to accept he was in my life for a reason... and to move on now... one would say i am giving up on hope and faith... maybe sometimes to move forward is by taking a step backward, dropping off the baggage that we cling on so tightly, then taking a step forward again...
i am glad we crossed path... i am glad i was given the chance to meet him, my happy person... it's now time to walk forward and face the uncertainties of the world waiting to be explored... new opportunities and new experiences...

he found me when i was lost

2011-10-28T06:19:00.000-07:00

while i was taking a walk into the past recently, assessing the pros and cons of surgery and dermatology, what has happened in my personal and professional life for the last 18 months... i kept having flashbacks of my happy person in my journey to recovery... he found me when i was lost... he showed me it was possible to be happy again when i lost my smile... he made me laugh and see the light when i cry in fear of returning to the dark... he protected me when i didn't ask... but now he is gone...
for all that he has done for me, i will never be able to repay his kindness... he will always be my friend and i hope he knows this :(

i choose dermatology :)

2011-10-27T22:10:00.000-07:00

receiving the email from the college of surgeons was flattering... thinking back 12 months ago, when they made me choose between withdrawing from the program or resume with no option of interruption, never in my wildest dream would i consider the possibility of receiving an email a year later offering an opportunity to return to surgical training... i spoke to my mentor... i spoke to my professor in dermatology... i spoke to my friends... and i spoke to my family... talking aloud my thoughts allowed me to reminisce my time in surgery... the good and the bad... the ups and downs... i slept on it for a few days and woke up yesterday morning with a very clear mind... and i made my decision... that is i am choosing dermatology over surgery... why?... so here it is...

as much as i love surgery, i paid a very high price to pursue my dream ie. my health and my relationship... i suffered from severe reflux and painful hand dermatitis... i had a daily routine of taking a minimum of 3 prescription medications... i have been driven to emergency department by my good friend for a dose of morphine when i suffered from an acute severe attack of reflux resistant to usual treatment... the anxiety of going to bed not knowing if i would be able to operate the next day coz my hands hurts so much from the inflammation caused by the dermatitis... how do i tell my surgical bosses again that i cannot operate coz my hands are in such a bad shape i can't even touch water or make a fist...instead i have to swap jobs with my residents, asking them to take my place in theatre assisting my bosses while i sit on the ward doing paperwork... my bosses have all been supportive but how far can i push their patience... being a surgical registrar who is constantly on call and working long hours meant you are sleep deprived...which leads to fatigue and bad mood... i was impatient, grumpy and intolerant to the smallest mistake made accidentally by people i supposedly loved... i wasn't an easy person to live with consequently... but how can you blame me when all i want on my limited time off work was to catch up on my sleep and run all the errants i couldn't possibly get done when i was at work... leaving surgery was one of the hardest decision i have ever made in my life... thinking of it still brings a tear to my eye and hurts me deeply... surgery has been a major part of my professional life... in fact, it's all i ever wanted to do... to be a consultant breast surgeon was the end point in my journey... up till 2 years ago, i had a clear plan of my future...however, that journey came to an abrupt stop early last year... i never thought i would survive the fall... the pain of losing my dream coupled with the loss of my relationship with my ex-fiancee was unbearable... i was in a very very dark place... i was lucky to come out of it unscathed this time... thinking back it has only been 18 months since i was struck down by the hardest and most painful insult in my life... i was lucky i was surrounded by guardian angels... people who genuinely love me who came to my aid with sincerity and kindness and generosity... but one should not test their luck too much... if i returned to surgery and for some reason had to leave again, i am not sure if i will be so lucky to be guided and survive this insult again... i don't think i am willing to go through the pain again..
surgery has been in my life for a much longer time than dermatology has... hence the passion and love i have for surgery is deep rooted and will take a while to let go... i have only been in dermatology for a year, relatively young at heart when compared to surgery... however, the people i have met in dermatology (my bosses who are professors in dermatology) have been very kind and are offering their support to facilitate my desire to pursue a career in dermatology... i should not take their kindness and act of generosity for granted... for what they are doing, they have nothing to gain... how i show my gratitude is by following their path to become a dermatologist who is passionate in her work and to continue passing on their love for dermatology through my work...

maybe this is a test placed by God in my life... an opportunity to reflect on my decision and to ensure dermatology is what i really want... just like how i had to overcome so many obstacles and hurdles to convince myself medicine was what i wanted to do when i was growing up and later to assure myself surgery was what i love and to be a surgeon was my dream... i have been given a second chance... and i should count my blessings... i am going to make the best of it this time... as much as i know i will always love and miss surgery, it is time to let go and move on... and give myself a second chance to rediscover the joy of medicine through the world of dermatology :)

is it a sign or a test?

2011-10-23T21:29:00.001-07:00

today i received an email from the college of surgeons... an email to inform me that i could reapply to return to surgical training if i wish to do so... is it a sign? or is it a test? ... sigh... choices and decisions... just when you thought you have closed one chapter and moving on... the unexpected happens...
a friend recently sent an email... in it wrote God only puts us through challenges He thinks we are capable of handling... I wouldnt have survived all the obstacles i have gone through in my career if medicine wasn't my passion and the only thing i ever want to do... i wouldnt have survive the storm if i wasnt resolute in my choice of career...
so what do i do? do i stick to what i am doing now or do i return to my first love ie surgery? if only my happy person was here, he would know what to do... or at least be able to enlighten me in his own ways... he always seem to know the way when i am lost...

he 'gets' me

2011-10-06T23:35:00.000-07:00

my cousin sister recently visited from Perth... we had heart to heart conversations every night till wee hours of the morning... we shared our experiences on love and relationship in particular... we also talked about family relations and values... my cousin sister is very similar to me, she has a very strong character, very protective of the people she loves... she is probably the louder version of me... she is more vocal and straightforward and i mean it... talk about me being straightforward huh?...
in one of our conversations about life, she talked about how she is always fighting other people's battle and how tiring it can get at times.. when she meets a guy who can take charge of his own life and hers, she knows he is the 'one'... i had to agree with her and was happy that someone shared the same thoughts/view as i do and understands how i feel...
i have always been viewed as the 'strong' one... always fighting the battle for my family and friends because i feel the need to protect the weak and oppressed... when things went downhill in my life, everyone keeps telling me the same thing ' you are a strong girl, you will be fine'... but has anyone ever asked if i choose to be strong?... it just so happens i am always put in a difficult situation and had to learn to defend and stand up for myself from a very young age... Lance is the first man i have met on a romantic level that has taken the lead in my life... always able to calm me down and guide/direct me forward at times of stress... 'calling the shots' is probably the term and one i am happy to obey... maybe coz we think alike and have similar outlook and expectations in life that our views and opinions rarely differs... maybe that is why his ways always appears to sit well with my ways... and when it doesn't, i seem happy to agree to disagree... so what do you do when he is no longer part of your life?
he was the light at the end of my dark tunnel... he was my knight in shining armour... most importantly, he was my happy person... he inspires me and makes me a better person... how do you let go something as good as this? fearing you may never find someone like him again... someone who 'gets' you even when no one else does...

i'm not dumb enough to trust you again

2011-10-06T23:31:00.000-07:00

'i'm mature enough to forgive you, but i'm not dumb enough to trust you again'
read this on my facebook home page... a post shared by my cousin...
this is how i feel about my ex-boyfriend Siang... we are still friends but i will never go back to him again... everyday i am not with him, i thank God for opening my eyes when i was blinded...

the day that will never come :(

2011-10-01T22:17:00.000-07:00

today i watched greys anatomy season 8 episode 3... it was an episode about the 5th year surgical residents performing their first surgery as lead surgeons.... it's the day you stand on the right of the patient by yourself with your attending as your assistant... it's the day you show you are a grown-up surgeon and you can be a surgeon on your own two feet... it's the day that never came for me... and i was so close to that day... and it was at this moment, i thought of my happy person... just as i thought i was subconsciously giving up on him over the last week....
life takes you by surprises... sometimes good, and sometimes bad... you try to move on the best you can but gosh, it hurts at times... and it hurts badly... i miss surgery :(

at least i know he is still the same... or i hope :)

2011-09-20T06:34:00.001-07:00

SS: so... what did you get?
ST: i figured out why he was behaving so strangely... out of the ordinary.. not that it was a happy ending but relieved to make sense of what happened... as i was sick when he rang and my head was really foggy... everything was a blur then...
SS: so now that you understand why, does it change how you feel?
ST: it does... initially i couldnt understand how can someone who has been so kind and nice be so mean all of a sudden... the revelation does not change our status but it makes me feel better to know that my happy person is still the same nice person... it's not easy to do the right thing but we try... and i guess that is what i like about him...
it's hard losing my happy person... but i guess that's life... can only try to keep believing and have faith he will return while i try to move on with my life... :(

this was the email conversation i had with my best friend recently over my last post on 'I get it! I get it!'
i miss my happy person :(

i get it! i get it! i get it now!... phew, what a relief! :)

2011-09-12T18:11:00.000-07:00

finally... i get it!!!.... finally i figure out what my happy person was trying to do... he was trying to do the right thing.... it took me a while to realise, to make sense of his actions and words...
i was confused.. i was puzzled... i was perplexed... by the content of the phone conversation we had last week.. how my happy person could turn into such a mean person overnight... why he would make such hurtful statements... but yet contradict his statements at the end with his explanation... how you couldn't join two dots together in one line... how they didn't match... how two piece of a puzzle wouldn't come together...
the revelation brought a great sense of relief... now i can concentrate on my priorities and move on with my life... can't tell if he still holds the title ' my happy person' ... only time will tell :)

don't play with fire if you can't take the heat!

2011-09-05T17:28:00.000-07:00

this is what i will say to my happy person right now if he contacts me...
he may have his reasons for his actions now... but all i can say is i dislike men who sends mixed messages then put up walls after... where are your balls? find them and be a real man...
my happy person has turned into a mean person... you don't treat someone you like this way... not by digging up her old wounds to remind her of the hurt and pain she went through...

spot the song titles!

2011-08-31T00:44:00.000-07:00

i missed my piano lesson today again! argh.... rushing to complete the research grant application form which is due tomorrow... i am sick of playing the same old songs...
i know it's a wonderful world.. and that's what friends are for.. but this job is killing me softly and I ain't misbehaving...
spot the 4 songs??? :P

i dreamt of my happy person again!

2011-08-25T23:20:00.000-07:00

i dreamt of my happy person again... this time, twice in the same night....
the first dream was him calling me early in the morning (which he knows i don't like coz i am usually asleep when he rings at 8am :P) to chit chat... my phone dropped and i was frantically trying to put it back in place to call him back... we continued chatting until it was time for him to start his marathon run...
i woke up and went back to sleep... he pops up again.. this time the dream was around my birthday... it was a saturday, the day before my birthday and he has planned to take me to hanging rock as i miss that place... on my birthday which is a sunday, he was supposed to take me to lunch at kyneton alone but we ended up having lunch with his parents , followed by dinner with his entire family...
this is the second time i have dreamt of him in 2 weeks... hmm u tell me wat it means? at least it was a happy dream... :)

we surprise ourselves every now and then...

2011-08-23T19:40:00.000-07:00

they say ' when you truly love someone, let them go and if they come back, you are meant for each other'... they also say ' when you truly love someone, you will set them free'...
since i decided to let go of my happy person, i am surprised at how calmly i have coped with the whole situation... maybe this is the right thing to do by myself and for him eventhough it hurts to let go something as good as this... or maybe i truly love him and letting him go doesnt hurt as much when you know it's for the better.... maybe...

letting go of my happy person

2011-08-20T20:39:00.001-07:00

maybe the text i received last night was a wake up call... i know my happy person probably sent it without any ill intentions or hidden meanings... but i can't help but think that the text was a sign that i may be stepping over the line... reminding me of what i use to go thru with my previous boyfriend... the feeling of uncertainty and not knowing... the potential of being the third person in a relationship if i don't step back now...
all i know is when i woke up this morning, there was this solemn feeling that has taken over me... the feeling of not wanting to participate in this game with my happy person anymore... the feeling of wanting to pull back everything and step out of my happy person's life...
if we are fated to be together, we will come back together... but now is not the right time.. i have been in his shoes, the person who is in a steady relationship but has developed feelings for someone else at the same time... and i have also been in the position where i have been cheated on by my partner... maybe that is why i am feeling this way... i guess it's my own protective mechanism at work... once bitten twice shy... maybe it's my unconscious telling me to back off now before u get hurt like you did before.. and before u hurt someone else unintentionally...
this is probably the first unhappy posting related to my happy person... i am grateful he was in my life and cheered me up at times of need... but i think it's time for me to let go now... sometimes we wish for happy things to happen and when it happens, we cling onto it.. at times at the cost of someone else's happiness... i don't want to be that person.. i should be grateful i was given the chance to meet someone as beautiful as my happy person... i need to let go now before i get hurt deeply again... so i am giving up now... giving up on hoping my happy person will return.. what will be will be...

'give me time to speak to Zoe'

2011-08-20T07:18:00.000-07:00

a month ago, i had a dream... a dream that felt so real i could still feel the emotions days later.. it was a dream of my happy person embracing me, with him whispering in my ears ' Stephanie, i really like you... just give me some time to talk to Zoe..'
today, my happy person sent me a text letting me know he was slow at replying my texts coz he was getting ready for Zoe's birthday party... he probably was being himself, telling the truth... but i felt somewhat hurt by those words... maybe coz i have come to expect more from him...
it was good i had my good friend next to me when i received the text... she reminded me to be patient and have faith in God... i guess i should give my happy person the time and space he needs to resolve some unsettled issues... and that i shouldn't rush him into making any irrational decision that i will regret later... i think it's time i pull back a little to allow us, most importantly myself to breath a little...
i suck at waiting :(.... argh!!!

'you are a roller coaster' says my happy person :P

2011-08-19T06:45:00.000-07:00

i received an email from a national editorial board informing us that they will be writing a story on our recent publication in the Australasian Journal of Dermatology describing 2 cases of contact dermatitis to a specific ingredient in lucas papaw ointment... i was super excited as this was my first article and within 5 days of publication, it has received the attention of a major editorial board... it was a great news to end my day and i wanted to share it with my happy person... i rang him but he declined my call.. so i text him to tell him about the news but didn't get any reply.. half an hour later, i text him again asking if anyone was home and if he was locked in.. which is usually what i do to elicit a response from him when he is super slow at replying... he returned my call 15 minutes later and on answering the phone.. he called out my name followed by the words 'f*cking hell' in a happy frustrated tone ... to which i responded with instant burst of laughter and he could no longer be annoyed at the cheeky me :P... he said' steph, if i don't answer my call, it's coz i am working or doing something.. it's not that i deliberately ignored your call '... how was i suppose to know? it was nice to hear those reassuring words.. at the same time, to hear his frustrations at my impatience was hilarious and i just kept on laughing... i shared with him my happy news.. to which he replied' you are a roller coaster, up and down, up and down'... well, that's me, no holding back!.. what you see is what you get :P

the professor speaks :P

2011-08-18T18:38:00.000-07:00

'you should go.. go expose yourself.. go show them what you can do..' these were the words my boss said to me when i went to seek his permission to work one day a week at the dermatology department at the royal melbourne hospital..
it was a very generous and supportive statement on my boss's behalf... for which i am very grateful :)

thank you Mr Behan...

2011-08-18T06:33:00.000-07:00

my mentor quoted this from Napoleon Bonaparte ' more people are ruined by success than failure'
hearing this quote from my mentor inspired me to persevere and strive to achieve my goal..
ever since i left surgery 18 months ago, my career hasn't been progressing as smoothly as expected... in fact, i have hit some major roadblocks which are rather disappointing... i failed in my second attempt to gain entry into the dermatology training program.. the reason why i fail still puzzles many of my dermatology bosses... my mentor knew i was upset but wouldn't let me give up and dwell in sorrow.. when i informed him of who are the people i need to connect in the dermatology world to succeed, he picked up the phone immediately and organised for a meeting after providing a high complimentary referral... with my mentor's status and reputation, it was no surprise to know he was so well connected, and this was not just confined to the surgical world...
' so you are Felix's favourite huh...' these were the first words to come out from the mouth of the head of dermatology at one of the largest hospital in melbourne... as my brother rightly puts in, my mentor has practically gone out on a limp to get my career back on track... i must be the luckiest girl to have a mentor like him...

guardian angels

2011-08-18T06:24:00.000-07:00

life can be a whole lot worse if we didn't have guardian angels... i have been blessed with many guardian angels in my lifetime... so even though life sucks at time, i can't really complain too much coz the truth is it could have been worse :)

i dreamt of someone ;)

2011-08-16T17:41:00.000-07:00

i dreamt of my happy person last night... it was quite a weird dream...
it all started with my ex-bf (yes, the one who cheated on me) knocking on my door to drop off some things i have requested back from him.. as he walked into my apartment, he gestured for a kiss which i refused with a waving hand and disapproving facial expression.. as he left my apartment, he forgot about his gym towel which he has left on one of the shoeracks along my apartment corridor.. i chased after him by calling out his name and ringing his phone to ask him to return for his stuff.. he did return to pick them up and left..
as i walked back into my apartment, i heard a cracking noise... i turned and saw the built-in shoe rack was falling apart and coming off the wall.. looking at the back of the shoerack which was the wall it was stuck to originally, i could see where the glue use to be and how the cupboard has peeled off some paint and plaster with it...my brother came to have a look and tried to help but the shoerack just crumbled into pieces when he laid his hands onto it... i turn my eyes next to the bookcase which was hung up on the wall in my living room and noticed a nail was out from one of the joints... i was panicking and all i thought of was to call my happy person... oh what a silly dream?!! wonder what it means...
maybe it meant my happy person is who i turn to for support and help when things fall apart in my life... after all, he has helped me overcome two massive obstacles in my life in the short time we have known each other... this is what u call positive thinking :P coz the dream could have a negative meaning... don't wanna know :P haha

i just need to be patient... :(

2011-08-16T17:36:00.000-07:00

i was recently told patience is a virtue... sigh... something which i am very poor at...
i have to be patient.. i have to believe that god has a plan .. and that everything has it's time and place... sometimes when we rush, things can backfire and become worse...
i need to give him the time and space to do what he needs to do... to resolve his current issues before embarking on a new journey... but how long do i keep waiting?
i hate waiting.. waiting is so hard... argh!.. why can't be it easier and more straightforward?
maybe it's me... just like my fren rightfully commented today ' gee, you have a very interesting life, so much drama..' hmm... i didn't choose such an 'exciting' life.. sometimes i wish it was simpler than that....

my happy person did it again!

2011-08-11T05:26:00.000-07:00

the truth behind the cancellation of my engagement was only known to a small group of close friends.. friends i have grown up with and whom i trust will keep my secret safe... it became a secret because i was told that it must be kept a secret... for the repercussion of making the reason known in public would make the victim (which is myself) frowned upon...the exposure of the truth would bring shame to the victim and victim's family and not the offender... and so i carried the shame of someone else on my shoulder for the last four years... always living in insecurity and feeling inadequate of myself.... wondering what i have done wrong and what i could have done better.... for no one had the courage to tell me that no matter what the reason or excuse he had for doing what he had done, IT WAS WRONG!!!... what he did was wrong!...
for some unknown reason, i decided to confide in my happy person and to hear his response was liberating... he made me realise it wasn't my fault.. and that i have done no wrong.. the person who was wrong was the offender which was my ex-fiancee... he crossed the line, a line which should not be crossed and broke my trust... i told my happy person i made a promise to always be my ex-bf's best friend but my happy person pointed out that sometimes promises can be broken under situational circumstances and in this situation, i should break my promise.... to hear my happy person reaffirm my opinions and thoughts were reassuring and empowering...
i was like a victim of abuse... finally able to come out of the shell and lift this huge burden off my shoulder... finally able to stand tall and no longer be oppressed by cultural expectations... finally i am relieved and ready to move on... finally i can be myself again... no hiding anymore...
i rang him a few days later to thank him and he replied by saying' if you ever need to build a bridge, i have all the tools you need and i will help you build it, just let me know'.. how sweet of him :) i was touched...
my happy person did it again.. he got me out of another deep dark hole again... it looks like he is turning into my knight in shining armour huh? :) i am glad he is in my life ...

Amy and Marc.. my two partners in crime :P

2011-08-10T22:35:00.000-07:00

Amy and Marc are two colleagues from work... two funny, crazy, hilarious people that i have come to know recently and successfully coerced me into doing something out of the ordinary today...
it was a fun lunch meeting filled with laughter and more laughter... oh they are a crazy duo who sure knows how to have fun :)

do you love what you are doing? yes i do...

2011-08-08T06:22:00.000-07:00

my happy person ask me this question today ' do you love what you are doing?' my answer was obvious ' yes i do'... and his reply was' then keep doing what you are doing and you will get there'... this was some of the comforting and encouraging words my happy person tried to say to me today when i rang him after a meeting with both my bosses to discuss the future plans for my career... the outcome wasn't as rosy as expected.. in fact there was more bad news than good... i have ticked all the boxes... we have exhausted all our avenues and resources... so what do i do now? do i pursue a higher degree of research with no guarantee it will improve my chances to apply for dermatology training position... do i do this? do i do that? what should i do?... it didn't help to see my bosses lost for ideas and suggestions to guide me...
i hate this feeling... i've been there and hope i never have to revisit it again after my happy person pulled me out of it 12 months ago... without warning, i am back here again... feeling so low, uncertain about my career/future, directionless... sigh...
however, when i think of what my happy person said to me.. his statement had a profound meaning that took me a while to realise... he was right... if i truly love what i am doing, then i should persevere and keep trying till i achieve my goal....what can't break us will only makes us stronger...

we try to do the right thing... but is it enuf?

2011-08-07T23:21:00.000-07:00

there is a chinese saying ' it takes 3 days to turn bad but 3 years to be good'... we grow up trying to be a good person, do the right thing... but the question remains, is that enough? i hope it is... coz right now, it doesn't seem to be...

i need a break!

2011-08-07T16:37:00.000-07:00

i think what i need is a break.. a naval-gazing holiday (in my nurses words) where i can just chillax (chill out +relax)... not having to think about work or worry about family or friends... a planned holiday trip to a destination of choice, exploring new cities and cultures, improving my worldly knowledge and indulging in culinary adventures... something i use to do annually which was relaxing, nourishing and educational for the mind, body and soul... well at least it is for me... how i wish i could do that now ... sigh...
i have been working continuously since last september... working a full time job from mondays to fridays and a part time job on saturdays... my spare time was spent catching up on domestic chores or performing routine but essential mundane activities or finding ways to optimise my CV ie writing paper, reading journal articles or collaborating with dermatologist to write book chapters etc... i have gone on 3 overseas trips but they were either for work or for family/friends... hence it was always short and hectic... time spent away from my full time job meant pay-back time ie. more work upon return as i am the only doctor in a rapidly expanding trials department... so holidays is always mixed with work...
maybe that is why i feel so drained, so worn out... the reduced ability to concentrate, the lack of motivation and momentum to keep going... i need a break.. a good holiday to somewhere with someone i like.. to let my brain rest and recharge before heading back to the racing tracks again...

maybe... maybe not....

2011-08-04T20:13:00.000-07:00

i have been feeling pretty low lately... guess it didn't help when Lance, my happy person and I had a minor disagreement yesterday..
why? i thought i was happy again... maybe not ... maybe deep down, i am still deficient, craving and still yearning.. for my career to get back on track and to find that someone special to share my life with...

i dreamt of my grandma... the one i have never met..

2011-08-04T20:05:00.000-07:00

a few nights ago, i dreamt of my grandma... when i told mom this, her first response was' how would u know it's her?'... i don't know if it was her, but she kept telling me she is my 'po po'.. which means maternal grandma.. i saw my beloved grandpa in the background so i assume she was right... in the dream that seemed so real, my grandma that i have never met but heard so many wonderful stories about was talking to me casually.. telling me how her knees hurt when she walks and she has only been taking panadol for pain relief.. her face was full of wrinkles.. mom say it's possible as she is 90 plus now...
when i rang mom to tell her this, you could tell mom missed her... it's the second time in my life someone older in my family who has passed away pays a visit in my dreams... will i see my parents in my dreams when they are gone?... i wish i will... even if it was for a casual chit chat.... to know that they are still there spiritually.. watching over me....

being myself...

2011-08-04T17:11:00.000-07:00

my happy person has been unwell with a bad viral infection for the last one week... he rang a few days ago to ask for medical advice ie.medications to shorten his recovery time... unfortunately with a viral infection, there is no quick fix... the medicine we prescribe are often only rest, fluids and simple analgesics... when i checked on him yesterday, he states he was feeling much better but commented that i was the only doctor who refuse to prescibe any medication for his viral illness.. i was hurt by his comment... i know he said it as a joke but i am very sensitive when it comes to my work as i take my work very seriously.. hence any signs or comments to imply i am incompetent at my work from people i care about hurts me deeply... i had his best interest at heart and prescribed him the best medicine for a viral illness which is rest... for some unknown reason, his comment kept me distracted and disturbed for the few hours that followed and in the end i rang him to tell him how i felt....
i could have not bothered and left it where it was.. and retain this uneasy hurtful feeling in silence... or i could be honest and tell him how i truly felt... i chose the latter as most of my close friends would agree i am not one who bottle up my feelings for people i care about... i believe honesty is very important in maintaining a lasting sincere genuine relationship....he apologised for being offensive and i apologised for teasing him about his 'manflu' when i found out he wasn't too pleased about the comment either... a sense of calmness and peace dawn upon me which lasted throughout the whole day... maybe it's because this incident has allowed us to learn about the 'not so nice' side of us and to find out how we dealt with it... there was always this voice in my head that tells me i am taking a big risk for doing what i did as it could jeopardise our friendship... however, i would also like to believe if we were meant for each other, that this is just another test/step in the grand plan and we will come out of this better and stronger... he later texted me 'go get your lunch', which reminded me of how my parents/ family show their caring ways by asking us to go get some food - the best comfort in all settings :)

surpisingly, this happened after my nurse/friend shared her thoughts about Lance and I in the morning prior to our phone conversation.. she felt that i have not been true to myself and not allowing Lance to see the 'real' me that everyone else has had the opportunity to experience as i have been holding back myself for fear of appearing intrusive... i have constantly reminded myself to not be the third person in his current relationship... i guess Lance saw some of it today- the stubborness of Stephanie who will not let an incorrect statement go unnoticed and the honest side of Stephanie that will always let you how she feels even when the truth hurts :)

tea-leaf reading.. i was pleasantly surprised!

2011-07-31T22:25:00.000-07:00

have u ever heard of tea leaf reading? it's a divination method that interprets patterns in tea leaves, also called tasseography. I've heard of it in a brief conversation with a cousin but never took it seriously or ever witnessed one myself until yesterday.
I was strolling the alleyways of the markets at The Rocks in Sydney when we came across a pop-up stand offering tea leaf reading, 10 dollars for 10 minutes. i thought to myself, this is reasonable price, i wanna give it a try and so i did. Paid my 10 bucks and booked myself in for the session at 1245.
i was introduced to the reader, Verena when the time came for my turn. Verena introduced me to the method of tea leaf reading. First, she poured some tea into a cup and told me to hold the cup with the handle facing towards my heart. I was instructed to say' this is my cup' and blew a kiss into the cup of tea. We swirled the cup 5 times, poured out some tea and turned the cup over. Turned the cup anti-clockwise 3 times and tap the bottom of the now upside-down cup 3 times. She picked up the cup and started reading.
Her first words were 'oh, there is a lot of choices here... opportunities... lots of choices...' ' do you have someone special in your life?' i assumed she was referring to my love life to which i replied no.. she went on to say ' this is a good time for you, you have met someone and that someone has always been in your life since the beginning of the year'.. the only person i think of is Lance... can it be him? ... she asked for Lance's birthdate and quoted we were both going through similar phases of life ie many endings and new beginnings... she asked if Lance was happy coz she sense he is not, which was also the vibe i got when i saw Lance last week... 'you have been alone for a while now, at least one year.. you were either engaged or broke up a year ago'... on hearing the statement, i was amazed at her accuracy... i was engaged 18 months ago and broke up more than a year ago... she quotes my next partner and I will inspire each other and we will move forward together in the next 2 to 4 years... she sees babies around me but can't work out what it means... 'are you still studying or pursuing further studies? coz it appears you did not get into the course or program this year but your next opportunity is March which would be a better year for your career'... i was amazed at her accuracy again coz i did not get onto dermatology next year and the application for the 2013 training program reopens and closes in March next year... she quotes as much as people dislike changes in their life, i am someone who thrives on changes, be it good or bad as changes creates pathways in my life... her last advice for the day was that i need to try to seek balance in what i do.. and that i should never allow my personal freedom be restricted in any way....
I can't help but keep smiling on the positive reading i have received... i hope it's true :) i can definitely do with some happy news in my life... to have my wishes come true... pleaseee!!!

i didn't think this would be a problem..

2011-07-28T07:43:00.001-07:00

'I didn't think this would be a problem' .. this was what my boss said to me when i asked him what is happening with my current job (my current employment contract expires in Feb 2012 which is when the new medical year commences) as i have fail to enter the dermatology training program next year....
my boss had expected me to enter the dermatology training program next year and did not think it was necessary to prepare for the possibility of me failing... hence the statement he made above... i guess it was good to know that my boss had so much confidence in my abilities... at the same time, it was heart wrenching to hear what he had to say... to hear his disappointment at the system stirred more feelings of incomprehension of why i fail to even obtain an interview this year...
maybe there is a reason why i failed this time... only time will tell... hopefully it's for a very good reason :(

proud of myself :)

2011-07-18T05:27:00.000-07:00

today, my happy person ask me if it is possible to postpone his appointment tomorrow at my work place to another day... he agreed to help me out with one of my clinical trials last week but just came to the realisation that he has to take his girlfriend to a job interview tomorrow morning... he insisted on turning up after finding out his cancellation would cause quite an issue with the trial team fulfilling the quota promised to the sponsor company... however, i refused to let him come due to the narrow window between his appointment with me and his girlfriend's interview which can potentially lead to his girlfriend turning up late for her job interview...
i could have been evil and come between him and his girlfriend... but i didn't as I wouldn't want to be treated that way if i was in her shoes... i thought to myself, treat others the way you want to be treated... plus if i am a friend to my happy person, i should always have his best interest at heart... if we are fated to be together, time will make sure it happens...
my good friend was very proud of my actions... for doing the right thing and doing a good deed... i must say i am proud of myself too... to be generous and giving... :) i think i deserve a pat on my shoulder today :)

my happy person

2011-07-14T07:24:00.000-07:00

i have a happy person in my life... i hope he will be my life partner if fate permits....
his name is Lance... he is funny, handy, practical and down to earth.... most importantly he just seems to know the way to my heart... making me laugh at times of sadness... brightens my day with his smile... cheers me up with his funny comments...
i never fully understood what it meant when people say ' the right person will make you happy' until i met him... now i know :)

just have faith....

2011-07-13T23:14:00.000-07:00

two days ago, i received news from the college of dermatology that my application for next year's training program has been unsuccessful... i was upset and disappointed... another obstacle or you might say a road block in my career... or is this not?... is this part of the grand plan?
i texted this sms to my happy person ' sometimes we wish life is constantly on the up.. when we are down, people tell us to keep looking up and have hope.. when you think you have finally survived the storm, life puts you through another one as though someone is trying to teach you something which i hope is for the better.. i hope i have the perseverance to keep going.. chasing after what i love to do '
i decided to be a doctor since i was 10 years old... and have never looked back since... i did get lost once but found my way back again... surgery was my first love but i had to give it up due to unavoidable circumstances... i am lucky to be given the opportunity to fall in love again.. this time it was dermatology... so i guess i should count my blessings to be given a second chance, instead of dwelling on reasons of why i fail to proceed with the training program as smoothly as surgery... maybe this is the chosen path for me to a better life... although i may not comprehend the reasons fully at this stage... i guess i just need to have faith...

thank you for letting me go...

2011-06-20T05:52:00.000-07:00

it's been more than a year since i broke up with my partner.. someone whom i considered spending the rest of my life with not that long ago... someone i had 'settled' for... until he decided to pull the plug on the wedding which was devastating news to me at that stage of my life... looking back, i am glad he did it... with the past behind me and having gained better clarity with a rational mind now, i can see that i would be a very unhappy girl if i married into his family, an insightless selfish group of people who are rigid and fixated in their ways, with no care for other people except themselves....
thinking back, i thank God for what has happened... it was hard to accept at that point in time... but i strongly believe God was watching over me and did what was best for me... there is a chinese saying that goes like this 'it's better to endure the short lived pain now than to live a lifetime of suffering'... the pain was almost unbearable at that time, but i am a happier girl now (after surviving the character building experience of a lifetime)... of course, i also have to thank God for placing 'special' people in my life who have through their sincere love and generosity helped me find myself again.. that is to learn to laugh again and be happy :)

a coincidence or a sign?

2011-06-06T22:29:00.000-07:00

Lance's parents are flying to Malaysia with me in 3 weeks time... how did it all happen? i can't really explain but be amazed at how the events unfolded...
2 weekends ago, my qigong master emailed me some brochures on an upcoming qigong workshop held in KL.. without much thought, i forwarded it onto Lance's parents.. a subconscious way on my part to fulfill my duty to my master ie spreading the word on qigong... i rang them two days later to make sure they received the fax..and to my surprise, they informed me that they were interested in the workshop and would like to attend... however, his mom was apprehensive about travelling to a foreign country... then, all of a sudden it dawned upon me that i was flying home during that time too... hence i offered my service to be their chaperon for the flight journey from melbourne to KL... she felt relieved... when i told her she could meet my mom for breakfast on the day of arrival to calm her nerves, her reply was ' if your mom doesn't mind, i would appreciate it very much'... i rang mom to inform her and to my astonishment, mom offered to show them around town... i was surprised and speechless... just as i thought things were going nowhere between Lance and I, all of a sudden his parents are coming on a trip with me.. meeting my parents... oh my god!! what do i say? what do i think? is this a coincidence or is this part of the whole grand plan? my parents has never met any of my boyfriend's parents... and even when i was engaged (for the short period of time prior to the cancellation), they didn't meet my ex-fiance's parents in person as both parties were living in different countries... but now, they are meeting Lance's parents... awww!!!
i guess i should learn from my past and not read too much into it.. let nature takes its course and enjoy the ride wherever it takes us...

why is it so hard to treat your own family? you may be the best doctor but still they won't listen... argh!!

2011-06-06T21:51:00.000-07:00

my uncle and aunty has just boarded the 3 pm flight, heading for home which is Kuala Lumpur for them... after staying in melbourne for the last one month.. one whole month of drama which luckily has ended well... ie my uncle kept his leg...
the story began 2 months ago when my uncle underwent a free flap repair for a non-healing ulcer on his right ankle at a private hospital in KL.. unfortunately for him, the surgeon was incompetent and the surgery did not proceed as expected... on day 4 post-op, the surgeon recommended a below knee amputation.. the amputation was uncalled for and unnecessary... after much persuasion on my side with my mentor's aide, he finally agreed to come over to melbourne for treatment.. as my mentor was the only surgeon who was confident in salvaging his leg...
my uncle was not an easy patient.. that's an understatement... he was difficult... he was playing 'doctor'.. self diagnosing and resistive to treatment.. the accumulated stress resulted in his psoriasis transforming into an unstable, potentially fatal form.. hence prolonging his stay in hospital... aunty was acopic... her inability to adapt quickly to a new environment and uncle's demanding ways made it hard on her... as my brother and i are their only relatives in melbourne... the burden lies on us to take care of them... it was a tiring 3 weeks for both of us... my brother the chauffeur who is responsible for delivering food and taking my aunty home from the hospital daily.. my responsibility was to ensure the treating team was doing the right thing without appearing interfering ( which was pretty difficult to perform) as well as making sure their daily needs are met... i have had many arguments with my mom over my uncle's difficult personality and aunty's acopic ways... my brother and i who rarely argues were entangled in spur of the moment unpleasant outbursts secondary to sleep deprivation and mental/physical exhaustion... we were both trying to do our best (to the standards of our cultural expectation) but it's hard when you have a full time job without any domestic helper on hand.... i've had my moments of anger, frustration, resentment, disappointment...
luckily, our hardwork paid off... now we can all sigh a relief.. and resume our daily routine...

time will tell...

2011-05-11T21:25:00.000-07:00

one of my nurses who has turned into a good friend over time said this to me ' maybe it's fate telling you not to give up?!!'
this came in the context of trying to give up on my feelings for a special person in my life... Lance, the person who made me smile and find myself again in my darkest hours..
i have been infatuated with him for a long time and not too long ago, subconsciously came to a decision to give up on those feelings... just as i thought i have gotten over my feelings and is moving on with my life, he reappears and reignite the flame in me... argh!!!
so is it a sign? maybe... only time will tell..

a trip down memory lane...

2011-05-11T21:06:00.000-07:00

today i changed into blue surgical scrubs and walked into an operating theatre with my mentor to watch him perform a surgical procedure on my uncle... how i felt was difficult to describe.. bittersweet is probably the most appropriate description...
i have been thinking about today for a while.. whether i should enter the operating theatre to watch my mentor operate on my uncle... not sure if it's the right thing to do and not sure if i am ready to take a walk down memory lane... to relive those good memories of what was once my chosen specialty.. but i also wanted to be there for my family, to comfort my uncle before he is put to sleep under general anaesthesia, and to comfort and hold my aunty's hand while she awaits for good news in the waiting area....
it's been a while since i've been in an operating theatre... it's been a while since i last held a knife in my hand... it's been a while... luckily i had my mentor with me to make the walk easier...
at the same time, watching the registrar yawning in theatre due to sleep deprivation made me sigh a relief... relief from ever having to stay up till odd hours of the morning performing emergency surgery, relief from early morning wake up calls so that i can finish the ward rounds in time prior to the start of morning theatre session, and relief from having to memorise each and every single one of my surgical bosses demanding inflexible ways... that i don't miss :)

my mentor

2011-04-08T06:59:00.001-07:00

have u been lucky enough to meet a great mentor in your lifetime? i have...
he is a plastic surgeon, a former head of unit of the plastics and reconstructive unit for 30 years prior to relinquishing his position to take a back seat, the founder of the victorian melanoma service..
to me, he is a great teacher in both surgery and life.. we first crossed path when i was starting out a career in surgery... since then, he has taken me under his wings and continues to guide me in my career and life with his words of wisdom, mixed with a touch of his eccentric humour...
i am the envy of my friends... the luckiest girl to be given the opportunity to meet a great man who through his kindness and generosity has shared his wisdom and knowledge to make me a better person :)

happy birthday ko

2011-04-02T16:52:00.000-07:00

today is my older brother's birthday.. he turns 36 today.. i thought i should dedicate at least 1 blog post to the him for he was instrumental in getting me out of the dark hole last year...
my brother is a loving person... strong , silent and very principled.... mom reckons he reads too much philosophical books... he is calm at most times... rational and understanding... never one sided in his opinion.. maybe this stems from his personal experience of living abroad in boarding homes with unpleasant experience since the tender age of 5, then going through some major personal roadblocks in his adult life/ marriage, and now a father of 2 beautiful cheeky rascals....
my brother moved to Melbourne on 1st May last year, to fulfill his PR requirements.. the timing of his move couldn't have come at a better time (maybe it was part of the divine plan).. during my darkest hours, he quietly supported me by being a constant family member in my life.. loving me unconditionally and tolerating my tamper tantrums as he recognised i was going through a grieving period..
i am here today, happy again and my brother played a major role in helping me get here.. not many people are as lucky as me to have such an amazing big brother with a huge heart to give.. i count my blessings everyday to be born into this beautiful family... i love you ko :)

why do men lie???

2011-03-16T19:34:00.001-07:00

why do men always lie?
why do men always make promises they can't keep?
has honour, intergrity and dignity lost its meaning in this day of age?
sigh......

the worse is why am i am a sucker in believing there is good in everyone...
and forgive the bad so easily even when they shouldn't be overlooked...
especially when the apology is sent with a chanel tag... hahaha... yeah yeah i am a sucker when it comes to expensive commodities :P

what if..

2011-03-14T06:03:00.000-07:00

what if you don't get what you wish for all these time?
what if all your hopes and expectations are shattered again?
what if....
sigh...
i can only hope and pray that my dreams and wishes will come true..

for the love of my family

2011-03-13T06:56:00.000-07:00

this post today serves as a reminder that if my paternal grandmother, aunty and uncles choose to hurt my dad once more again, that i will never let them get away again that easily... NEVER... and i mean NEVER...
after all the evil she has so kindly bestow upon my parents from before i was born and continues to do so to my family including my brothers... despite all dad's hardwork in helping them set up their super successful business that is still running today which has paid and continues to churn millions of dollars to sustain the younger three children's lavish lifestyle... she has the audacity to call my dad an unfilial son... she can go fuck herself....
as far as i am concern, my nanny is my grandmother.. and if she ever hurts anyone of my immediate family member again, i will assure her that she will get the greatest fight for her life lead by myself, her eldest granddaughter who to her dissatisfaction has successfully achieved what she wished her favourite children and grandchildren would but couldn't do.... it will be a showdown and i will be fighting for my family's dignity especially my father's ... she has robbed him off what is left of the little good memories he has of his family.. which mother in this world would do such a thing to their own son, a son she chose to bring to this world... she is the ultimate bitch and a devil ...

waiting is hard...

2011-02-27T20:13:00.001-08:00

people always say ' good things come to those who wait'... but how long do we wait for.. when do we decide to stop waiting...
i hope this wait is worthwhile.. and that the outcome would be what i have been hoping for and patiently waiting for all these time...

tolerance

2011-02-27T19:43:00.000-08:00

is tolerance something that is learned though time and we either get better or worse at it with time?

i wish it's him

2011-02-10T21:56:00.000-08:00

according to the chinese astrological charts, i will meet my Mr Right this year... the 3rd month of the lunar calendar to be specific..
i wish it's HIM.. i pray it's HIM... my happy person who lifted me up when i was at my lowest point in life..
please be HIM.. please! please! pretty please!
my good friend thinks i am insane... maybe i am.. or maybe u can call it loyalty ;)

what happened?

2011-01-20T23:51:00.001-08:00

i guess i am disappointed... i went without expectations.. or rather not knowing what to expect... i left feeling empty.... the outcome was pretty distasteful... can't put my finger on why such a feeling would surface....
he was my happy person.. someone who helped me rediscover myself in my darkest hours.... someone who seems to know how to end my sentence... someone who makes me laugh all the time.. so what happened today? i wish i know.. sigh....

mom, i'm happy now!

2010-12-31T00:16:00.000-08:00

after spending 3 weeks in melbourne, it was time for mom to go home with the rest of the gang ie dad and two cheeky nieces... we had vietnamese pho for lunch, tapow some yummy vietnamese mixed ham roll for the flight home, did some last minute packing and off to the airport...
then it was time to say goodbye to my parents... as i hug my mom, i whispered into her ears 'mom, don't worry, i am happy now.. just take care of yourself'.. then we both cried and she replied 'i will always love you''.... i told her i have been wanting to tell her how i am now, but just didn't know when was the right time... i guess today was it... dad had tears in his eyes when he saw us crying together.. my youngest niece in her candid ways then shouts 'why is everyone crying except for me and daddy?'' and she walks towards the boarding gate proudly...
my eldest niece has been asking her dad (ie my older brother) everyday 'dad, what if you stop loving me for one second?''.. after hearing it repetitively for a few days, both her younger sister and i got frustrated coz we knew she did it just for fun and today i replied her by saying 'che, no parent will ever stop loving their child'.. she smiled at my answer...
it was good mom and i talked face to face, although it wasn't pleasant to start with... at least we can all put it behind us as a family.. a chapter closed, resolved in an open hearted way with no grudges and only more love for each other...

frozen or fried?

2010-12-31T00:14:00.001-08:00

frozen or fried? which would u prefer? just in case you were wondering what was i referring to, i meant the weather :)
i would prefer the cold than the heat anytime... at least if you are cold, u can wrap yourself in layers to warm up.. when it's hot, ur kinda stuffed coz u cant remove your skin and there is nothing much you can do other than hide indoors in air conditioned rooms...

a mom who is worried sick abt her child....

2010-12-28T18:30:00.000-08:00

my mom requested an audience with me last night... after a silent confrontation about an hour before and me pulling out of family dinner, preferring to go for movie with my friend to chill out.. i didn't end up going for movie and did have dinner with my parents afterall...

i know mom has been worried about me... u can tell from the look she has on her face.. she wants to ask but doesn't want to at the same time as she didn't want to appear intrusive... she is insomnic from her multiple worries including the wellbeing of her only daughter whom she can't talk to without rubbing off the wrong shoulder... so what does she do? she tries to appear calm but explodes after days and weeks of accumulated tension.. close proximity made matters worse...

since the unfolding of bad news early this year.. the relationship between mom and i are strained due to a number of reasons... but bottomline was i didn't feel supported and to reduce further friction, we both withdrew from each other... i stopped calling her as often and stopped telling her my stories... and when i did share with her, she shoots me down, making me run away from her further and faster... maybe it's the maternal trait at work, the need to always come up with solutions when all i wanted from her was a listening ear and agreeance...

i know both my parents love me very much... and to see them worried and sad aches my heart deeply too... but i really do need this space to myself, to find my way and be happy again... when things are settled or resolved, i will come 'home'..

sigh...

2010-12-20T16:38:00.000-08:00

when do we or when will we ever find peace within ourselves? when we thought we have found peace in one area of our life, another problem arises in another area of our life... sigh
just like Buddha's saying, life is indeed full of suffering and it sucks!!!

i miss him....

2010-12-19T03:50:00.000-08:00

there is a saying ' if it's meant to be, it will be'.. i hope this is it..
i have never had such strong feelings for someone before, not at this stage of our friendship... someone who is merely an acquaintance to start with and now a friend... even a crush doesn't usually take me this long to shake.. why am i feeling this way for so long? the feeling of wanting to be with that person so much.. is this 'the one'? is that why my emotions are stirred to beyond comprehension... sigh....

it will never be the same with my mom....

2010-12-05T17:21:00.000-08:00

is it just my mom or are all moms like this? why can't she accept us for who we are instead of always setting high expectations on us.. of course she would never admit to it... and why must she always impose her ways onto us?
after what happened earlier this year, especially after the first handwritten letter from her criticising my poor choice of refusing a marriage proposal from someone i always knew wasn't right for me.. i thought i would try to mend the broken mother-daughter relationship by slowly letting her back into my life... sharing with her my daily encounters, people i meet at work and socially.. in hope our relationship will return to what it used to be... unfortunately i learnt the unpleasant way today that it's not going to be the same again... my mom can never accept our stories without judgement or criticism... it seems no man is ever good enough for her daughter.. and that if u choose to go a different way than hers, then it's not the ideal way and she has her way of making you feel guilty for deviating from her ways... which i utterly hate coz following my way doesn't necessarily mean it's wrong.... why can't she just listen to us without having to make us feel awful at the end of the conversation when the outcome isn't what she expects from us in terms of behaviour and choices in life?
it saddens me to realise it will be very difficult for me to share my personal secrets with my mom again... like how i use to in the past...

the feeling of ARGHHHH....

2010-12-04T02:35:00.000-08:00

why am i feeling so 'ARGHHH' the last two days? i have been on a high for the last few weeks.. and all of a sudden i am hit by an ultimate low... feeling of frustration, discontentment, anger, restlessness... and no matter how hard i try to shake it off, the feeling doesn't seem to want to go away... usually a workout at the gym fixes the 'blues'.. but not this time.. ARGHHHH!!!!

meet the parents!!!

2010-11-27T20:48:00.001-08:00

i'm going to meet Lance's parents in an hour's time to discuss about a qigong retreat organised by my master... and Lance is not going to be around when i visit... argh!!....
maybe it's the cultural difference... but if my fren was coming over to discuss about anything with my parents, i would make sure i am around too...
the thought of me alone with his parents... they are very nice people, don't get me wrong... but the idea of me and his parents alone is a very daunting experience... not that Lance and I are an item.. but still, it's scary...argh!!
it's like everything between Lance and I is done backwards from 10 to 1... i've met most of his family, and now i am seeing his parents in his absence.... argh!!
Lance, where are you when i need you to cover my back?!! argh!!...

patients who flatters you...

2010-11-16T03:30:00.000-08:00

few months ago, a very good looking and charming patient who presented with laceration on his hand asked me out during consultation... unfortunately i had to say no because i was his treating doctor and it's unethical under those circumstances... the up side to this story is his gesture made me a very happy girl... flattered to be precise... hahaha....
then few weeks ago, a different patient made this comment ' i will come back again to assist with the clinical trial if she (which is me) is here too'... this time, it was a yucky feeling coz this was an old man who is also a psychiatric nurse... unappetizing... but it was still good for the self esteem :)

an email from my boss

2010-11-16T03:25:00.000-08:00

Today, i received this email from my boss...

Dear Stephanie

What is your mobile number? Don't worry, I'm not planning to phone you!

Regards
PF

my boss cracks me up from time to time with his wit... hahaha

patient dropped like a fly by the ambo's

2010-11-04T17:15:00.001-07:00

have u witnessed an incident of 2 ambulance officers dropping a sick patient during transfer... i have... it happened 3 weeks ago... i was standing 3 feet away, watching the whole incident unfold itself right in front of my eyes... head down first, sliding at a 45 degress angle, hitting her head on the floor with a loud thump before crying out in pain.... what a sight!

dermatology here i come...

2010-11-04T16:42:00.001-07:00

i never thought i would fall in love again... surgery was my love, my passion ... so when the journey ended, i thought i would never find that 'special' feeling again...
i cant say for certain now but i think i may have fallen in love again.. DERMATOLOGY... something i bumped into by pure accident ... the last 2 months at the SCF has been a happy journey... i've attended various dermatology clinics, started clinical trials on psoriasis patients... the experience has been mind stimulating and invigorating... learning new things all the time... and most importantly, i am enjoying every moment of it... going to work has never been more fun and stress-free like it is now... i have not been happy in a looong time but now, i am constantly finding myself walking around proudly with a smile almost permanently stuck to my face... a smile from within... a happiness that eminates from within... oh it's a nice feeling... to be HAPPY again....

an unexpected kiss :)

2010-11-04T16:23:00.000-07:00

Lance came to my place yesterday to do some touch-ups on the feature wall in my bathroom... something that has required many return visits from him to perfect it to my satisfaction... as he rightly comments ' Steph, you have an evil eye!! Stop looking!! '... haha maybe it's my excuse to see him .. to find a way to still keep in touch with him.. afterall he is my 'happy' person... so i guess it's alright to be selfish every now and then...
after many failed attempts, he finally stayed for dinner last night... we had miso stew pork belly, baked teriyaki chicken and green beans with rice... finished with a yummylicious home made vanilla panna cotta ...Lance had an extra helping of dessert.. licking the last bit of my last cup of trifle in my fridge after devouring the panna cotta...
just before he left, i passed him a dozen of freshly baked blueberry mufiins to take home to his parents... i've met his parents once and they were very nice friendly country folks who sent me home with farm fresh eggs on my first visit to their house.. i repayed their generosity with muffins and it turned out his parents especially his dad loved it... and so that was how i started baking muffins for them...
as he finished hooking up his trailer to the back of this truck, and i thought i was just gonna hand him the muffins and wave good bye... to my surprise, Lance jumped over the back of his truck over to me and gave me a peck on my cheek... it was a sweet pre-birthday surprise and i felt warm and fuzzy inside, just like a girl who just had her first kiss... i wish it could progress to something more but i know it's not possible... so i guess i'll just have to be contented with what i have now... i cant stop myself smiling everytime i think of that moment and the feeling of his rough facial skin on my cheeks... bliss!

could this be my next dream?

2010-09-16T17:30:00.000-07:00

today is friday and its the end of my second week at SCF.. I have attended 1 hyperhydrosis clinic, 1 psoriasis clinic and 1 meeting with a site coordinator for drug trial from Novartis... how did it all go?
as much as i miss surgery, i think i am slowly finding my footing in dermatology.. i find the patient's clinical problems interesting and i think there is a possibility i may enjoy research and clinical trials...
i guess dermatology is a specialty that provides a lot of visual stimulation and the treating doctor is able to witness the treatment progress in a tangible way... i am someone who needs to see and feel what i am doing.... and that was why i loved surgery.. maybe dermatology is now the answer to my needs... :)

i still miss surgery... and very much so :(

2010-09-08T05:19:00.000-07:00

today i had my first taste of dermatology.. attending a dermatology clinic seeing patients with dermatological problems... all i can say is it made me miss surgery even more...
general surgery has always been close to my heart.. it was a subject that came intuitively to me.. not much thinking.. i just knew what to do since medical school... the answers to most general surgical problems came with ease without much struggle and i am always amazed at how i arrive at the diagnosis so promptly and with such accuracy...
in dermatology, i don't have that special 'gift'... everything takes longer to learn and master.... sigh... and to be constantly reminded why i had to give up the love of my life because of a stupid medical condition is heartbreaking, frustrating and causes significant unhappiness...
and this has to happen on a wednesday again... wednesday seems to be the chosen unlucky day of the week for me.. and it has been a constant bad luck day of the week since the beginning of May... just as i thought there was a possibility the tides could change with Lance turning up at my place... sigh...

when was the last time you had a crush on someone?

2010-09-07T17:04:00.000-07:00

i think i have a crush on someone.. should i blog about it or shouldn't i? hmmm...
he makes me laugh... we come from different education and cultural background... and yet it's so easy to talk and tease each other, always ending with a good laugh that lightens your heart...
he brightens my day just by his voice... and i look forward to seeing him although that is very infrequent...
i finally found someone from the younger generation who is more illiterate in IT than i am... what a discovery!
when was the last time you met someone with a hotmail address? except for me.. he does..
but.. there is always a 'but'.. he is attached... sigh... why must good things be so difficult to get? well at least for me... why cant finding love be an easier process... i know i know, u appreciate it more when it's harder to get... but i am kinda over it now.. i just wanna be happy and enjoy myself... i think that is not too much to ask after surviving the last 6 months....

bourgogne vs boudin blanc

2010-08-23T04:30:00.000-07:00

french is not an easy language to master.. especially if your tongue is not as flexible as some...
i recently went to a french restaurant with a good friend... he ordered a very nice, smooth on the palette, refreshing white wine... i rarely drink wine but took more than a sip this time coz i actually liked it...
so when we went back to the same restaurant 3 weeks later... naturally we ordered the same wine... but this time we asked the waitress for the name of the wine.. she speaks with a fluent french accent 'bourgogne'... i couldnt catch the spelling from her pronounciation but my eyes were quick enuf to catch a glimpse of the spelling on the bottle...
few days later, my fren suddenly asked me if i would like to drink some boudin blanc... it took me a while to get what he was saying... and when i realise what he was trying to get to, i burst out laughing... he meant to ask me if i wanted a glass of bourgogne but pronounced it as boudin blanc which means white sausage in french... hahaha... do i want to drink white sausage and eat white wine? hmmm... maybe i do... bourgogne vs boudin blanc... the untrained tongue attempting french :P

i wish i was more excited... but i'm not...

2010-08-12T22:25:00.000-07:00

yesterday i received a supposedly good piece of news... i got the job at the skin and cancer foundation... but why am i not feeling excited? this is the path i have now chosen to pursue... eventhough i did not get onto dermatology training program for next year, this job offers a promising future, with exposure to the top guns in dermatology and opportunity to be involved in clinical trials and research, as well as gaining clinical experience in dermatology subspecialty... it's THE job if you want to get into dermatology... but why i am feeling the way i am...
maybe in my heart, nothing will ever take the place of surgery... as i reminisce every emotional experience i've had since the beginning of my medical career... how every step or decision made were engineered to improve my chances of getting into surgical training program... the wonderful encounters i have had with my bosses, colleagues, nurses, patient etc... the sweet unforgettable stories and the beautiful people i have met in my journey through surgery...
one cant run away from the facts of life.. and the fact is i suffer from dermatitis which is exacerbated by surgical scrubbing... i have to learn to accept that i have to give up my dream and learn to find satisfaction and fulfillment in another dream... as much as i am finding it difficult to let go of the one and only dream i have known my éntire life... the bright side is at least i am still practicing medicine...
medicine has always been the only thing i want to do in my life since the tender age of 10... i tried exploring other options but i kept coming back to square one... i couldn't see myself doing anything else but medicine.. and thinking back, how every step and decisions made from my secondary school years onwards was to facilitate my entry into a medical school ... and subsequently to facilitate entry into surgical training ..which i have succeeded and excelled on both accounts... i guess this is how passion drives one to succeed in fulfilling their dreams and goals... i hope this fire of passion will remain forever ignited in me no matter what specialty i choose to pursue...

thank you for coming into my life... even if it's only for a brief moment...

2010-08-05T18:08:00.000-07:00

while i am submerged in absolute darkness, a glimmer of light shone through recently... through an unexpected person who came into my life unexpectedly.... my builder...
his name is Lance... how i was introduced to him was quite a funny story in itself... two months ago, i was frantically looking for a builder to start the renovation works at my place... Lance's brother was at my office plastering the window... i was impressed with his workmanship and decided to ask him if he knew of any good builders or carpenters.. he smiled at me and replied ' me brother is a carpenter, funnily, i dont usually wear this t shirt but i am wearing his company t shirt today' .. i followed by asking ' what is his name?'.. he laughed and pointed to his left hand pocket.. on it written Lance Grogan ( his brother's name).. i asked him for his contact number.. he laughed again, turned around and pointed to the back of his t shirt " his number is right on my back"... i burst out laughing at how uniquely candid the whole conversation was...
I pass his number onto my architect friend who contacted Lance... why i went back to look for him eventually was his reply on his first visit to my place over the phone... i was at work on the day he came to give a quote, so my brother let him in... when we spoke for the first time on the phone, he apologised for not being to take on the job as he thought it was out of his scope... i later found out that was not true.. the truth was he didn't understand my architect fren's demands ( due to his strong chinese accent and poor comunication skills at translating his thoughts into easily understood english words).... but what impressed me was his statement.. he said' stephanie, i wasn't sure if i could take on this job eventhough it did sound like it was out of my scope over the phone, but i wanted to come see it for myself before i turn you down'... this comment to me tells me a lot of this person... his integrity and sincerity... i thought to myself that if i ever needed a carpenter, Lance would be the person i would hire...
2 weeks later, we were still having troubles finding a builder... so i decided to take on the renovation project myself and coordinate the tradesmen instead of going through a middleman/builder who charges an exorbitant fee for project management... it was then i told myself, if i have to coordinate this renovation myself, then i am definitely hiring Lance for the carpentry side of stuff coz i trust him....
we called him and he came around again... this time, i was there to clarify the project and he gained a better understanding of what was required... he was the only builder who could work within the time frame we requested and he showed a very good attitude towards his work and genuine interest in the work...all these were very important in judging the character of my choice of tradesman as i wasn't going to let some sloppy irresponsible sly prick do my renovation ....
on the day we started renovation.. he called me at 4pm asking if i was gonna drop by to check on his work .. i wasnt going to initially but he insisted i should... i was surprised at his willingness to engage his client and ensuring his client were satisfied... we had our first proper conversation... on first impression, Lance was a tall good looking man... someone who had the features and mannerism of a high ranking corporate person than a tradesman... he was well composed and professional... yet warm at the same time... i open up to him about the problems i had with my architect friend... and he too open up to me asking about feng shui... so we were learning from each other and helping each other... he offered to help me coordinate my renovation by making calls to different tradesman.. making honest suggestion... helpful but never imposing... there was one instance when he must have noticed the stress in my voice trying to mediate some information between my cabinet maker, architect and him, he offered to speak to the cabinet maker directly and later text me to let me know everything was under control and not to worry... i thought that was very sweet of him...
very quickly, he became my happy person... he made me laugh and made my heart race... something i have not felt in years.. and i did not realise how 'dead' my heart was till i met him.... the time with him made me realise i could be happy and laugh again like i was before....
my nurses thinks he is hot.. unfortunately he is taken... he has just entered a relationship 2 months ago after being single for a while... aiks!!
to me, Lance came into my life with sincerity, honesty and kindness.. he made me laugh and was my saviour at time of need.... we were both strangers to start with and he offered a helping hand eventhough we didn't know each other well... we go through life a lot of times not expressing our appreciation for people who have walked into our life no matter how brief a moment, who left a mark and made life better for us... Lance did that for me... and i am glad he walked into my life...

what do you look for in a guy?... hmmm....

2010-08-05T16:59:00.000-07:00

my builder asked me the question " what do you look for in a guy? " during one of our casual chit chats... hmmm... it took me a while to realise but it was a good question.... a question i havent thought about it in a looong time...
as we progress though life , we gain experience in all aspects of life including relationship... we gradually set criterias for what we want in our ideal partner and end up with a checklist... a checklist which till yesterday, i completely forgot about...
so what do i look for in a guy? hmm....
do i have a checklist like i use to? hmmm......
i thought about it as i was driving to work.. and the answer that came to my mind was... i just want a guy that i am attracted to, who makes me laugh, whom i feel secured and comfortable with... and most importantly someone i can trust with all my heart.. knowing whatever happens, he will be honest with me even when the truth hurts....

my mom called....

2010-07-28T22:17:00.000-07:00

sound asleep after weeks of accumulative physical and mental exhaustion... my iphone rang.. i reached for it under my pillow and it was 'MOM'...
never expected she would call... we havent spoken in 2 weeks.. the longest cold war between mom and i ... it wasnt deliberate and it wasnt done out of spite... after what she did, i was very disappointed in her and just didn't feel like talking to her... after 11 years of daily calls to her chatting about mundane things in life... i stopped calling her and didnt feel bad about it at all..
she started the conversation by asking where my brother was... i replied and after a short pause, she asked 'how are you doing lately?'... she then went on to admit she shouldnt have sent that letter but wanted me to know she did that becoz she felt very strongly about that issue at that moment...
there were many pauses and silence in our conversation... my inner voice were fighting, wondering if i should be honest with her about my feelings... about how i felt about her letter... or should i just leave it be... then i heard tears in mom's voice and so i chose to be honest with her...
after all she is my mom... and the generation before me have left a lot of things unspoken leading to false assumptions being made and causing unnecessary heartache and hurt.. i didnt want this with my mom... she is my only mom and up till recently she was the closest person to me... a mom that many of my frens envy... a women that i admired, loved, respected and worshipped...
i told her how each of the words in the letter that still ring loudly in my heart hurt me... i clarified her assumptions and doubts... told her i was disappointed in her because all these time, i thought she knew me the best and never expected her to doubt me in this way... i told her all i wanted from her was her support... not to put me down or tell me off when my life that i know is falling apart... i told her i know i need to get back on my feet but also wanted to be allowed to stop and pause to feel sad before having to get up again... we both cried and i know it was hard for my mom to say sorry... as much as i was emotionally shaken for the day ( to the extent that i think it has affected my interview that afternoon for a research position at the skin and cancer foundation), the phone call from mom and hearing mom's voice and her admiting she was wrong took a huge burden off my shoulder...
in the end, we all yearn for our parents approval.. and especially as a daughter, for my mom's approval and unconditional love...
as a friend commented 'she loves you and only wants the best for you, it's just that she chose the wrong technique this time''.. we are all humans and we make mistakes...

I pray....

2010-07-24T06:57:00.001-07:00

I pray that YOU grant me the strength, the courage and the patience to perservere on this journey...
I pray that YOU have been the inner voice in me, telling me to hang on while others suggest otherwise...
I pray that my instincts are right and this decision is worth fighting for...

when you are going thru hell, just keep going...

2010-07-19T19:49:00.000-07:00

i was watching the finals week on masterchef and one of the judges made this comment quoted by winston churchill ' when you are going thru hell, just keep going'..
i guess that's all i can do now... keep going till hopefully i can see some light at the end of the tunnel soon...

double standards

2010-07-19T19:42:00.000-07:00

parents always have double standard when it comes to their own children.... this statement strikes closer to heart than it ever did in the last week...
my beloved mom, someone i loved and respected my entire life disappointed me in ways i have never envisioned myself having to experience... the letter she wrote to me a week ago , the strong words of the content still rings strongly in my mind... it made me felt as though it didn't matter to her whether it came at a cost of my lifetime happiness... she just wanted to get me on the wedding train so that she can save face....
this event has left a scar in my heart... blemished my perfect image of my mom, a woman of wisdom and integrity... why did she do that? i thought she knew me better...

weekly landmines or bombs.. when will it stop??

2010-07-14T17:45:00.001-07:00

every week for the last 6 weeks, i appear to be struck by unpleasant news... news that i wish not to know for now...
so i thought i should write it down chronologically, in hope this series of bombs being hurled towards me weekly will stop at some point...
week 1- a good friend's father rang me at work to propose a marriage union between his son and i. This news came one week after i stopped all communication with my ex boyfriend, at a time when all I wanted was time and space to heal my wounds. I was deeply disappointed with my good friend's actions as he allowed his father to contact me with such news when he was fully aware I was and still am going through a rough time. We have known each other for almost 12 years now and although i have always been aware of his intentions, I also know that our relationship cannot progress beyond friendship, a matter i have indirectly clarified with him in the past. At a time when I am deep in sorrow, I expect my good friends to respect my space and give me time to heal. Not throw me with another emotional baggage that puts our friendhsip on the line.
week 2- a good looking patient who attended the emergency department asked me out on a date. Unfortunately, i had to turn him down because of ethical and legal implications. This was a good news week but it didn't last long.
week 3- old wounds were re explored... my ex boyfriend met up with one of his old flames ( someone he had a crush on a few years ago but regretted not pursuing the relationship and always wondered the outcome if he did as he chose to be with me instead of her) to discuss and apologise for what happened 4 years ago.. i did blog about her in one of my earlier blogs and she was one of my biggest insecurities in our relationship ... it took me a long time to get over it ( the insecurity lost its impact only after she got married)... i was hurt because his actions implied to me he was unhurt by the loss of our 4 years relationship and all he wanted was to go out there to find new possibilities and potential ... it was as though he was catching up on lost time and freedom for exploring his options... to make matter worse, i had difficulties finding a builder to commence renovation works in my apartment. We are now 1 month behind original planned date of commencement and quotations obtained from builders are 3 to 4 times over budget limit. I engaged the help of an architect friend with the expectation to save me all this headache of having to organise the renovation myself. It appears he is an architect with poor planning skills. Hence, I have no choice but to do it myself now. ARGH!!
week 4- i received an email at 930 am on wednesday morning while talking on the phone with a friend, the email informs me that i was unsuccessful in my application for dermatology training program next year. I was devastated. My career is in a mess and i don't feel like doing anything.
week 5- i received a letter in the mail from my mom. My mom wrote me a letter( first handwritten mail in my life) to tell me off for not considering my good fren's marriage proposal and that i was missing a lifetime opportunity for not reciprocating his feelings. I was angry, upset and disappointed with my mom. How can you force me to marry someone that I do not love. I've tried, i've tried considering him as a partner but i just cant find those feelings. That is why i decided that we should stay as friends. So now not only am i angry with my mom, but also my good fren for his actions has driven a wedge between my mom and i . Why is status and success in career such an important benchmark for deciding on how good my partner is? Have they considered that all these are not important to me, that all i want is to simply be happy in the company of my beloved partner, not how successful or how smart he is. I want a man who makes me feel warm, at ease and most importantly exudates a feeling of inner peace when I am in his company. So why should i consider my good fren when he doesnt make me feel those ways at all? In fact, i get irritated with him when he gets too close... isnt that a clear enough indication that he is not the right guy for me.. I am sure she was never influenced or coerced in making her decision to marry my dad. She is just not 100% pleased with the results of her decision made when she was 21 years old and hence the years of resentment and anger has affected her badly. If you love me, then respect my space.

i want to leave....

2010-07-09T17:53:00.000-07:00

how many times can u get back up on your feet if you are continuosly being knocked over by big waves... imagine walking along the beach, a strong wave comes in and knocks u over, u get up and continue walking.. then u get hit by another strong wave, u get up again but this time u are a bit weaker .. then u get hit by another strong wave, u try getting up but u r getting weaker and weaker with each hit... so how long and how many times will u try getting up before u finally give up and just stay on the ground.. accepting that drowning is alright...
i just wish all these waves of bad news and heartache will stop ... for i am just beyond emotionally drained... drowning seems like a favourable option at this point... if it wasn't for the fact i know i am being watched by my family and friends....

a successful career or a happy family?

2010-07-01T18:01:00.000-07:00

which one would you choose?
3 months ago, i resumed full time surgical training.. unexpectedly and unfortunately, dermatitis on my hands recurred after one day of surgical scrubbing.. it was devastating news... i had to interrupt my training immediately as i know if i continued scrubbing, my hands will get infected and i will not be able to operate for weeks... if i don't scrub, i can't operate as surgical scrubbing is fundamental in all surgeries... so with a heavy heart, i quit my position and took a long leave of absence...
I was given a dateline by the college of surgeons... the date was 25 June.. to continue or to withdraw from surgical training... to be a surgeon was my childhood dream... and i have been lucky to be able to pursue my dream , passing every hurdle without much obstacles.. guardian angels watching over me during my entire journey in surgery... so one can imagine how hard it was for me to give up surgery when it was not due to lack of intelligence or skills, but due to a medical condition with no cure but is detrimental in my chosen career...
so how did i choose? i guess i saw the light... just a few a weeks ago, it suddenly dawned upon me that pursuing my dream career came at a very high cost.. it affected my health and my relationship with my partner ( hence the break up and heartache)...we cant run away from societal pressures.. the fact is women can put up with men coming home late from work, exhausted, grumpy... but when u r the female wearing those shoes, it's difficult to accept...
hence, i made my choice.. i decided to withdraw from surgical training and made the official request.. its' done and there is no turning back now... one thing i know for sure... i loved surgery and i still do, but i also know that i don't want to go through this process of losing my health and putting my next relationship at risk again... i would rather have a happy family when i am old and ugly than a successful career with no one to share with at 70 years old....

giving up...

2010-06-23T18:33:00.000-07:00

how do we know it's time to give up... to stop trying... even when we are still hopeful...

moral compass

2010-06-10T20:57:00.000-07:00

how do we develop our moral compass is very important in determining how we live our life... that is why how a child is brought up is very important in determining his future character....
what if you were never taught the right values... when u r a grown up now, you cant differentiate between right and wrong... you know certain actions are not socially and morally acceptable but you personally can't see where the wrong lies... does it mean once your moral compass is set in steel, you cant change it?

i need to do this...

2010-06-10T20:51:00.000-07:00

i need to let go... i must let go.... it's hard but i have to do it...
please give me the courage and strength to put this behind me... so that i may move forward....

double whammy

2010-05-13T07:05:00.000-07:00

losing your childhood dream was hard enough... but to lose someone you thought you were gonna spend the rest of your life with at the same time was unthinkable... it happened to me 3 months ago..
i resumed full time surgical training in early February... unfortunately, my rash reappeared after one day of surgical scrubbing and after consulting with my mentor and consultants, i was advised to apply for immediate interruption, to give myself time to evaluate the situation and to find an alternative pathway... being a surgeon was my childhood dream and having to give up on your dream because of a medical condition was devastating... it was a hard time on both my partner and myself...
during the same time, my partner's mother who turned out to be the most selfish mother i have ever met in my life became obstructive and difficult when she found out about our plans to wed... in the end, her son who is ever so obedient gave in to her wishes ( she doesn't want her son to ever get married) and cancelled the wedding... my partner gave up our relationship to please his mom....
i have been through my fair share of unhappy and sad episodes but never have i felt so sad in my life... that feeling of numbness, helplessness and inability to continue on with life is something i never thought i would experience.. luckily it only lasted for a few minutes and i am able to write this blog today thanks to my family and friends who reminded me how beautiful life is....
looking back at where i was 3 months ago, who would have thought i could recover so quickly.. i give my thanks to my family, my friends and 'the one above' who has guided me through this journey....

my first day of being a professional bummer

2009-02-02T14:33:00.000-08:00

i am officially on my year off work... well not work per se but full time surgical training... a year of no responsibilities, no expectations and no stress from the gruelling and hectic surgical training... i never thought it would feel so good to finally be here... WOW!...
i must admit i had some reservations before today... wondering if i did the right thing to take a year off.. when everyone else is ambitiously getting on with their training , hoping to get to the end of the race as soon as possible... but i also knew i needed a break desperately... to get my health back on track and to rejuvenate my interest and passion for medicine...
it is still very early to say now.. but at this point, i am glad i made this choice....

me a writer??!!!

2009-01-12T18:42:00.000-08:00

a colleague came up to me today and asked if i was a 'writer'... followed with his hands motioning the action of typing to me...
hmm.. i wonder where he got that idea from... me a writer??? oh my... i guess if you consider blogging as part of writing.. then i probably could call myself a writer.. haha..

blogging

2008-12-30T22:13:00.000-08:00

blogging... who would have thought how much effect it would have on one's soul..
it was interesting to read through my old blogs... to try reliving those moments of joy, sadness, excitement, happiness, etc just by reading the blogs...

i don't know...

2008-12-30T21:55:00.001-08:00

a good fren emailed me a few days ago... was curious to find out if i still blog..
why have i stopped? why did i decide to resume blogging today?

my 'first'

2008-12-30T21:38:00.000-08:00

i woke up this morning and suddenly thought about a special friend.. a friend who has touched my heart in a way no others has.. a friend i had not kept in touch because of the circumstances of how our last meeting ended... that was 6 years ago.. wow... it has been 6 years and i still cant stop thinking of him...
we met when we were university students.. formed a friendship and decided to take it one step further at one point.. but unfortunately it didn't turn out the way we both expected and hence the ugly break up....
i called him this morning... not knowing what to expect..coz the last time we spoke which was probably 2 years ago... he wasnt in his best mood... his sister was diagnosed with end stage cancer and he had strong resentment towards the medical profession secondary to personal experience... so our phone conversation ended in a less than happy note... i dont know what came over me, but i didnt even think twice, picked up the phone and dialled his number... he answered and you could tell he was surprised to hear from me... it started awkward but we managed to get over it and had a decent conversation.. i found out that his sister had passed away a year ago and we shared our own experience on dealing with death... we started talking and it brought back a good feeling of the old days when we were still friends...
it's not very often we meet someone who leave such a strong impression in our life... it's like they have left a permanent mark or imprint on your heart that no matter how hard u try to let it go, it cannot be erased... to me, he was my 'first'... he was my prince in shining armour.. he swept me off my feet.. made me felt like a princess.. although our time together was short but the memories are still very clear and vivid...
you may say its coincidence.. or if it's a sign... but when i got to work today, one of my new patients had the same surname as him...
oh i miss him so much......

it's been a while....

2007-11-01T19:37:00.000-07:00

it's been a while since i last posted a blog... i wonder what was the real reason.. was it coz i was lazy? was it coz i had no inspiration? or was it coz i am so tired and numbed with the repetitive nature of events surrounding my life that i feel too exhausted to write and bore my fan? maybe it's a combination of all...
i met a fren last night who checks on my blog every now and then... his first few comments included ' hey i don't see you blogging anymore, life must be good'.. is it good? well it has its ups and downs... but as i said before... the reason i started blogging was because it helps me deal with my emotions better.. provides clarity to my mind and occasionally serves as a reminder....
so in a nutshell... since i last blogged in May 2007, i have passed my surgical exams, got into general surgery advanced training ( which was a rather difficult process and i must consider myself very very lucky to get a spot), things are slowly working out between my boyfriend and i ( we recently went on a trip to japan) and currently i am just bumming around at home until it's time to start work again in two weeks.... :)

tired and worn out....

2007-05-23T22:15:00.000-07:00

when i first started blogging, it provided an emotional outlet to pen down my questions and feelings... having it written down somehow helps clarify issues, find solutions and at times find peace within ourselves...
but have u been in a position your heart has been so hurt it is numbed.. so numb u cant even speak or write.. u want to but u just cant find the words... u feel so tired, as though u have lost all your energy to fight... u have given away your last most precious breath that all you are left with is just a physical skeleton...

the perfect storm..

2007-04-09T05:38:00.000-07:00

have you ever been so hurt that ur heart feels so numb you cant speak? you appear to be in a daze because you no longer know how to react to the situation and you have lost all your thoughts and emotions? and u feel like slipping away too?... that all u can do is cry... u want to stop crying but u can't because the tears just wouldn't stop rolling down your cheeks.... you put all your heart and soul into something... struggling a lot of times and working hard and persevering on it... and finally when u thought u see the rainbow at the end of the storm.. before u can even have a good look at it.. another storm comes again.. but this time it's the perfect storm... perfect in the sense it came unexpected, you were unprepared.. and at the end of it even if u survived... you have been so badly affected and damaged that you wonder if you will ever recover from the traumatic experience....

I pass!!

2007-03-31T00:13:00.000-07:00

yes.. i pass my exams.... I PASS!!!.... my results were published on the college website 3 days ago.... we received an email advising us it will be up on the website at 9am... i had a restless night and sat right in front of the computer at 9am sharp... NOTHING.. check again.. still nothing.. so after 10 mins i called the college and they say' sorry we are late'... argh! they know we are all anxious about our results.. they had full six weeks to get our results ready and post it on the website... and yet they are late...mom called at 930 am and i still haven't got my results.... whilst on the phone with her i decided to try again.... at 935am... my results was available online.... i clicked on the link anxiously ..scroll down the page and saw the word 'PASS"... wow i was so happy... and my happiness was increased by the fact i did not just pass but also scored quite well... i got out of my chair immediately... told my mom i passed and was dancing around.... that feeling of relieve ... on finding out you pass.. the weeks of mental agony leading up to the exams and after exams while awaiting for results.. it's finally over... no more exams for at least another 4 years if i get into general surgical training program.... hahahha....

choosing the right career choice..

2007-03-14T20:58:00.000-07:00

what u choose to specialise in medicine depends not only on your personal interest, but it is also very much dependant on who your mentors/ bosses are....what you emulate to be... who you idolise to be your mentor... this is particularly true for surgery.. surgeons train through experience.. a mentor and a mentee... a master and an apprentice... surgery is a skill... and how good you are at your skills depends on who your master/ mentor is...

i like surgery as a specialty... i love the hands- on nature of this specialty... the kind of work it involves... unfortunately, just like everything in life... everything comes in a package.. and u cant have one without the other...

every specialty chooses its own kind of trainee with specific personality traits... surgeons are known to be people who are confident, practical, arrogant and self- absorbed at most times... they are less considerate and compassionate than physicians in general..

recently, i started reconsidering my options... whether is surgery what i really want?.. i use to be very certain... like i say ' i use to'... but not now anymore.. why?.. that is a question i ask myself.. is it because i do not have the typical personality of a surgeon, hence to continue in this pathway and wanting to be a different surgeon will indefinitely be an uphill struggle.. on top of it, surgery as a specialty is probably the most political and competitive specialty... to gain entry into your choice of specialty surgery and advance training... it does not only require knowledge and skills... but more importantly who you know.... hence the saying goes ' its who you know and not what u know that gets you what you want.... personally i am tired of competing.. i just want to choose a specialty i enjoy and excel in what i do.. i do not yearn to be the top or the best.. just want to be good at what i do....

i know i enjoy surgery.... so whatever i choose has to have a component of surgery in it... and that includes obstetrics and gynaecology... i have always considered O&G as an option and even applied for the training program the same year i applied for surgical training.. it's just that i got into surgical training which was my first choice at that stage...

i think i will most probably remain in surgical training... as that is the most logical and natural progression...

maybe it was a mistake

2007-03-09T05:56:00.000-08:00

do u find that sometimes when u want something so much, so badly that u lose perspective while chasing for it... not realising that it may not be the right thing for you after all....

or when things are hard to get, u keep fighting for it.. and when u finally get it, u start to doubt if what u have acquired is really what u want after all?....

my fatty bom bom :)

2007-02-17T15:24:00.000-08:00

fatty bom bom.. that is the nickname of my boyfriend... he is not fat at all but i just like to call him by that name and he loves the sound of bom bom....yes, my 'fren' has decided to commit and we are now officially a couple...

it all happened one day when we were at his church.. one of his frens came up to us and asked if we were dating/ going out... i was never able to answer that question and would usually reply with a smile and silent pause because i never knew the answer to it.. and i did not want to clarify our status at that stage as i was nearing my exams and i was very sure i did not want my studies and exams to be affected by our complicated emotional entanglements... to my surprise, he later told me' if any of my frens asks the same question next time, just say yes we are going out'... i was gobsmacked and elated... it was so unexpected coz we have both decided to leave this issue till after my exams.. on the day i finished my exams, i asked him if he was my boyfriend now just to clarify our status... his reply was ' we have been boyfriend/ girlfriend for months now'... hmm... i guess we have been behaving like a couple but he never really asked me out.. so i never wanted to make a statement just in case it was the wrong idea .. after all that has happened between us.. this is something i thread very carefully and carefree on ....

he has been a great support through my exams... always taking time out to accompany me, taking me out for food, movies to destress.. constantly reassuring and displayed patience/ tolerance when i was grumpy / stressed... he may not be very romantic but he has good and kind heart and he cares for me... not too long ago he told me this' 'we started off badly but i will make it up to you from now onwards'... it was very touching... the wait was definitely well worth it.. :)