my first day of being a professional bummer

i am officially on my year off work... well not work per se but full time surgical training... a year of no responsibilities, no expectations and no stress from the gruelling and hectic surgical training... i never thought it would feel so good to finally be here... WOW!...
i must admit i had some reservations before today... wondering if i did the right thing to take a year off.. when everyone else is ambitiously getting on with their training , hoping to get to the end of the race as soon as possible... but i also knew i needed a break desperately... to get my health back on track and to rejuvenate my interest and passion for medicine...
it is still very early to say now.. but at this point, i am glad i made this choice....

me a writer??!!!

a colleague came up to me today and asked if i was a 'writer'... followed with his hands motioning the action of typing to me...
hmm.. i wonder where he got that idea from... me a writer??? oh my... i guess if you consider blogging as part of writing.. then i probably could call myself a writer.. haha..

blogging

blogging... who would have thought how much effect it would have on one's soul..
it was interesting to read through my old blogs... to try reliving those moments of joy, sadness, excitement, happiness, etc just by reading the blogs...

i don't know...

a good fren emailed me a few days ago... was curious to find out if i still blog..
why have i stopped? why did i decide to resume blogging today?

my 'first'

i woke up this morning and suddenly thought about a special friend.. a friend who has touched my heart in a way no others has.. a friend i had not kept in touch because of the circumstances of how our last meeting ended... that was 6 years ago.. wow... it has been 6 years and i still cant stop thinking of him...
we met when we were university students.. formed a friendship and decided to take it one step further at one point.. but unfortunately it didn't turn out the way we both expected and hence the ugly break up....
i called him this morning... not knowing what to expect..coz the last time we spoke which was probably 2 years ago... he wasnt in his best mood... his sister was diagnosed with end stage cancer and he had strong resentment towards the medical profession secondary to personal experience... so our phone conversation ended in a less than happy note... i dont know what came over me, but i didnt even think twice, picked up the phone and dialled his number... he answered and you could tell he was surprised to hear from me... it started awkward but we managed to get over it and had a decent conversation.. i found out that his sister had passed away a year ago and we shared our own experience on dealing with death... we started talking and it brought back a good feeling of the old days when we were still friends...
it's not very often we meet someone who leave such a strong impression in our life... it's like they have left a permanent mark or imprint on your heart that no matter how hard u try to let it go, it cannot be erased... to me, he was my 'first'... he was my prince in shining armour.. he swept me off my feet.. made me felt like a princess.. although our time together was short but the memories are still very clear and vivid...
you may say its coincidence.. or if it's a sign... but when i got to work today, one of my new patients had the same surname as him...
oh i miss him so much......

it's been a while....

it's been a while since i last posted a blog... i wonder what was the real reason.. was it coz i was lazy? was it coz i had no inspiration? or was it coz i am so tired and numbed with the repetitive nature of events surrounding my life that i feel too exhausted to write and bore my fan? maybe it's a combination of all...
i met a fren last night who checks on my blog every now and then... his first few comments included ' hey i don't see you blogging anymore, life must be good'.. is it good? well it has its ups and downs... but as i said before... the reason i started blogging was because it helps me deal with my emotions better.. provides clarity to my mind and occasionally serves as a reminder....
so in a nutshell... since i last blogged in May 2007, i have passed my surgical exams, got into general surgery advanced training ( which was a rather difficult process and i must consider myself very very lucky to get a spot), things are slowly working out between my boyfriend and i ( we recently went on a trip to japan) and currently i am just bumming around at home until it's time to start work again in two weeks.... :)

tired and worn out....

when i first started blogging, it provided an emotional outlet to pen down my questions and feelings... having it written down somehow helps clarify issues, find solutions and at times find peace within ourselves...
but have u been in a position your heart has been so hurt it is numbed.. so numb u cant even speak or write.. u want to but u just cant find the words... u feel so tired, as though u have lost all your energy to fight... u have given away your last most precious breath that all you are left with is just a physical skeleton...

the perfect storm..

have you ever been so hurt that ur heart feels so numb you cant speak? you appear to be in a daze because you no longer know how to react to the situation and you have lost all your thoughts and emotions? and u feel like slipping away too?... that all u can do is cry... u want to stop crying but u can't because the tears just wouldn't stop rolling down your cheeks.... you put all your heart and soul into something... struggling a lot of times and working hard and persevering on it... and finally when u thought u see the rainbow at the end of the storm.. before u can even have a good look at it.. another storm comes again.. but this time it's the perfect storm... perfect in the sense it came unexpected, you were unprepared.. and at the end of it even if u survived... you have been so badly affected and damaged that you wonder if you will ever recover from the traumatic experience....

I pass!!

yes.. i pass my exams.... I PASS!!!.... my results were published on the college website 3 days ago.... we received an email advising us it will be up on the website at 9am... i had a restless night and sat right in front of the computer at 9am sharp... NOTHING.. check again.. still nothing.. so after 10 mins i called the college and they say' sorry we are late'... argh! they know we are all anxious about our results.. they had full six weeks to get our results ready and post it on the website... and yet they are late...mom called at 930 am and i still haven't got my results.... whilst on the phone with her i decided to try again.... at 935am... my results was available online.... i clicked on the link anxiously ..scroll down the page and saw the word 'PASS"... wow i was so happy... and my happiness was increased by the fact i did not just pass but also scored quite well... i got out of my chair immediately... told my mom i passed and was dancing around.... that feeling of relieve ... on finding out you pass.. the weeks of mental agony leading up to the exams and after exams while awaiting for results.. it's finally over... no more exams for at least another 4 years if i get into general surgical training program.... hahahha....